What if Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders ran Shred Northwest?

Oregon cast their ballots this last week and the results are in! The winners of the Oregon Primary were none other than Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump. In light of the Oregon voting outcomes, we at Shred Northwest got to thinking….what would our own company look like if one of these guys ran it?

Let’s first consider the world’s most self-acclaimed astute business man.  The Donald himself.

  • First the name of Shred Northwest would have to change to Trump-Shredding.
  • Replace all our gray shred bins with gold plated bins.
  • Our shred trucks. (After all, they’re too small for an owner with such large hands!) Tire size? Double ’em! Logo size? Double it. They’re gonna be HUUUUUUUGE.
  • Don’t worry about the cost of it all, with Trump at the helm of our company he’ll self-fund all the improvements and be accountable to no one.
  • We would start using heavy weaponry to protect our customer information.
  • Beautiful ladies would escort our bins to distract from any would-be identity thieves.
  • Security walls would be built around our customers’ secure shred carts. Our competitors to pay for them. …that’s the art of the deal.
  • The term competitors would be replaced with more accurate words like “unattractive idiots”, “sorry saps”, “choke artists”, “lyin’ Ted’s”, or “weaklings”.
  • We’ll eliminate our current healthcare plan altogether and in its stead institute a plan that would pay for nothing but cosmetic “enhancements” to very specific areas of the body.
  • And if any employees mess up you know Mr. Trump will have two words for them “You’re fired!”

 

It would be the most huuuuge, luxurious shred company of all time. It’s gonna be phenomenal. Great.

Now if Bernie Sanders ran Shred Northwest we imagine it would be something like this.

  • Shred Northwest would not shred for the big banks unlike the other shred companies who wouldn’t have the customers’ best interest at heart.
  • Free shred services to low-income customers that would be paid for by the top 10% of the top 1% of customers who require more shredding than the bottom 99%.
  • The carts would have large openings so that all could share the information to stop corporate greed.
  • The shredding revolution would have bike powered trucks along with bike powered shredders to ensure an economical and environmentally friendly service.
  • All shred employees would be college graduates with no student loan debt and be paid the same wages of $19 an hour with free health care and we would pay for any additional schooling so they can get a better job.
  • Employees would also all have diverse backgrounds coming from all around the world to make sure that all shredding opinions would be represented.
  • We would then break up the big shred companies that are too big to fail.

We hope you have enjoyed our little run with imagination but to be honest, we like the way our company is running exactly as it is. Local, family-owned business providing a world class service to the great Pacific Northwest.

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